04/07/04
I'm dying. I can feel it inside, burrowed deep in my chest. Returning to my life has caused the entire house of cards to crumble to the floor. The fevers cause the most restless sleep, filled with the most intense dreams. Life and death burst and bubble up all around me as something attempts to take care of me once and for all. Perhaps I have learned too much, or maybe my body is not able to withstand the pressure of a now fictional presence. I just want this delirium sickness to end and for some semblance of life to return to me.
The music that once guided me as I launched that hopeful dreamself into a world that is only thought about and wished for, is now gone. Adrift in my absence, the pieces I left behind continued the daily dance, but lost the connection to me. We both would have been goners if we hadn't come together again. However, now instead of one whole being, I am now two sick and fractured halves unable to fight off this virus we've been infected with. Once separated it seems as if society slipped in through the cracks and the toxin has torn us both apart.
Words are hard to find. My thoughts are stuck in dreamstates and lingering lost moments. The world is changing all around me and I can feel my body pinned between the gears of the communal seasonal transference. I need a cleansing of mind, body and soul before I am able to handle life again. The madness in my mucus must be expelled. Civilization's clumsy and uncoordinated actions, in respect to the changing of our collective perception of time, have always caused me great pain and suffering.
Disoriented from the hitting of the restart button, the changes of this year are about to begin. The training is over and all the aches and pains of our annual alterations are nearly upon us. There is so much to do, to fight against, to reclaim. I must somehow find the strength to forge ahead through this cell of sickness and finally free myself from this carcass of calamity.
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