04/22/04
Unraveled like the Invisible man, that's what I felt like. With a bandage wrap for every self-applied label and restriction, tied tight in order to help conceal anything real. Hidden beneath a flamboyant display of primary colors, the lightning icon pulsing against my chest, charging my system, preparing me for the physical exhumation of the decaying ick of my soul.
The nights of chest heaving coughs prepared me for the pain of regurgitation. I squatted on the small patch of grass across the street and heaved out the mucus milk that had been gurgling inside. My stomach acids burned away all traces of infection. I was now purged of the poison, and immediately felt a swell of purpose and destiny.
The restless night had bared witness to the epic battle of the last remaining pieces of the decayed person I once knew myself as. The cardboard cutout personality that I had built so as to seem acceptable by society, or more precisely, my view of reality. I made myself what I thought reality was, and amazingly enough, I merely had to change my perspective to have it all shift. It seems so easy to say in retrospect. Choose to be happy, choose to be confident, choose to be optimistic. As much as you hate the clichés, it's the truth.
I am in search for answers to the simple, the true understanding of the most basic qualities of living life. We only reach understanding when we are removed from the situation we seek an answer to. Only through distance can things be appreciated for the positive or negative experience that they were. The bigger picture is revealed through hindsight, a greater knowledge of life is gained by simply leaving the moment behind.
Early fundamental moments therefore dictate the answers to all future decisions. First confrontation, first metaphysical lesson, first sexual moments, these are the pinpoints stuck on the map of our lives. These situations curve and bend the wavelength of our minds into behavior cycles, and only through a breaking of the pattern is knowledge gained and evolution of thought takes hold.
Awareness is first. You must awaken. Wake up. There's more than meets the eye out here. There's some shit going down. Take a look around and see what makes you mad, what makes you happy, what makes you sad, and then do it all. Confront and challenge and don't be afraid to speak up and say something completely stupid and idiotic. Fear humiliation no longer.
Naked. Exposed. Bare. In front of people. A class. Co-workers. Random strangers. They laugh and point and stare and condemn. Some see weakness and go in for the kill. Leeches, sucking you dry, bolstering their power for everything you have to offer in return. So afraid of betrayal that no real person, save the one that serves the parasite, is left inside you. A husk, barren, bored clean through so as no substance is left behind and so significant is the hole that no experience may ever fill it.
You're free now, free from the pain that you once needed so dearly. That suffering, lingering, demolishionist was finally evicted in three concurrent spasms of your digestive system. The future is yours and your shackles have been removed. I'm rubbing my wrists and ankles. Sore, but hardly worth a notice when compared to the weight lifted free from my chest. The hand of god has reached into my lungs and slammed them with enough oxygen so as to purify myself.
Blind from the light of life unbounded, I'm stumbling and mumbling and deliriously dancing through the metamorphic resonance. The tones and vibrations bounce and throb into my nervous system, rendering it numb. A melting candle branching into an upside down, thousand branched oak tree. Putty, reduced to putty, I mold into a new shape, one that fits and sits properly in the role I have crafted.
The Identity shift is the hardest part. That's what I'm sending back to myself from the future moments of my dawning tomorrows. Waves of smiling sanity wash over me and I just know that everything is going to be new again.
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