Chapter 27, Age 27, Saturn's Return

Twenty seven is one of the first, and few chapters that I broke into a few pieces. One chapter alone couldn't articulate the feelings rising in me as I approached my twenty-seventh birthday, with everything in shambles on Long Island, my relationship over, sleeping on my mom's couch, facing my struggle with suicidal impulses, basically talking myself out of obsessing with darkness and trying to see that it was all because of a soul deep frustration with feeling I would never have a "real" or "true" connection with anyone.

Also touching upon my innate desire to love and be loved, but also my analytical obsessions making it a solo journey, which I suppose leads to self-love through a series of serial monogomistic decisions in the years following this moment. I counted on female so much I resented them, and yet they always betrayed me, or failed me, somehow taking but unable to give to me, or if they did I ran for cover because who can accept love these days.

Depression seems to stifle the possibilities, turning the comforting into the strangling, cutting off from all others, running the gamut from denial to superiority to dwelling comfortably in the sickness. If Saturn's Return was going to kick my ass, I needed to step up my game and make these chapters real fucking magick.

the Tower of Brahma - twentyseven - nudeerection (edit)

08/26/04