I used to let relationships dictate who I was

The Tower of Brahma - Chapter 59.2 - Powerless Before Her (edit)

5/7/09

Man, I was depressed. I felt so stuck inside myself. I can't believe it was ever so hard. That I lingered in that dark for so long. When I look back I see that I was never any of things I thought myself to be, I just believed in the lies presented to me by subconsciously self-destructive people I had surrounded myself with. Every day they would remind me of exaggerated flaws that I had, or sarcastically tear me down when I felt good, keep me in check by dumping their issues and insecurities onto me, then scolding me for reacting.

Being emotionally stifled is my own personal Hell. I have feelings and they must be expressed. If anything, this entire novel is just an emotional purging from years of keeping my real feelings inside, repressing my entire self until I imagined myself mad. But I was sane, surrounded by people off their medications, or self-medicating with booze, or living in denial. I may have done the same but I actively tried to challenge and better myself, always able to see other's point of view.

I did try to kill myself just a short few months after this. I swallowed a handful of Tylenol PMs only to have "Agent Strange" make me spit them out, throw them up. I never wanted to die, I just never imagined that life would be any different, that it couldn't and wouldn't get any better. It's still just as hard these days, but it's also getting a hell of a lot better every day.